we are here and we are there;

October 4th, 2002 · 6 comments

disarm you with a smile …

this song? this song leaves me absolutely breathless and still. (it’s been in my head ever since you told me i have a way   of   disarming   you.) it quietly pulls me to my knees, going back to the frenetic force of girl i was then and the people around me that i laughed and died and burned with. all of the everything. wild and sweeping. and the moments like photographs. of driving around fearlessly through a winter of snowstorm after snowstorm. walking for miles under street lamps in a long skirt and a coat that was never heavy enough. that enormous house by the river (where we slept for months). the stars, and our breath everywhere. falling away, falling to the ground at night; hidden ice, our breathless laughter. (“i used to be a little boy . . . ” someone catch me.)

and a boy, that boy, sitting at the edge of my bed, lip-syncing fragments with a crooked smile. “my love . . . ”

and her.

when j and i left one night a year later without a word to anyone, headed for texas in my little car with nothing but a paper bag full of clothes and the money in our pockets, she called us mad love. and i remember kissing her forehead later, months after we came back, and saying, “but i’m not crazy.”

lipstick prints.

i flipped out in a hotel room a few miles north of the mason-dixon line. two days later, we were going to graceland. (my bouncing awe as i caught up with j outside the burial plots, asking him loudly, “is this where they put the dead?” i immediately covered my face, but j would later tell the story in a way that made me laugh, my hand curled to my mouth; “so everyone’s standing there all somber and tearful and whatnot, and here comes ta, with her big eyes looking around everywhere, and she screams, ‘so is this where the dead people are at!'”)

i’ve only ever regretted the things i have not done. in that place, there is only the way we felt Forever and the way i fixed my eyes, unseeing, on the drummer when i sang. the way j always made us chocolate chip pancakes after our parties. (the way m caught me alone in the kitchen one night; a silent, deer-in-the-headlights heartbeat and then instant allies in stealing icing out of the container in the refrigerator. “what are you guys doing in there??”) the way we were all so intoxicated by our nearness. a little too unsteady. our eyes a little too bright. the way everything smelled. the way everything was so sharp around the edges. glowing. or maybe we made everything glow.

we burned our outlines into that place. we burned our outlines into each other. (who says there’s no such thing as ghosts? we are the ghosts that we burn into the space we’ve left behind.)

that’s where i go, on my knees with my heart in my throat and my hands clasped in front of me. that’s the place where this song takes me. someplace lush. someplace wide and dark.

someplace shining.

{ 6 Responses to we are here and we are there; }

  • vghoul says:

    pattern re-cognition

    [i KNEW it] / [i called to make sure in bleach-fume delirium, but y’know, busy-busy]

    [& i’m so so glad]

  • a killer in me is a killer in you …
    (I love the Pumpkins. They mean something to me, you know? And lyrically; oh. We busked it once, sunlit paving stones in Exeter. I sang with so much feeling that day.)

    This entry touched me so much – right on those raw spots, all tender and vulnerable. You don’t need defences, because who would understand enough to place truth right there, where it’s painful and beautiful all at once?

    ta-belle, that’s whom …


    • Ta says:

      yes! &. yes! in my space, the smashing pumpkins are j;
      and “you reminded me of d’arcy.”
      and “ta is a beautiful fig tree.”

      (yes, you know)


      thank you for this. i’m half-crazy with exhaustion, you know; my lack of words. but you’ve touched me back

  • project_97 says:

    Ghosts…Ghosts follow us with an urgency you see in the eyes of a lost child…
    You need only look over your shoulder to see them tracing your every step. And yes…we keep looking back dont we?

    Ta…never stop burning…it keeps some of us warm.

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