i have been wanting to reach you. (i just don’t know how.);

October 17th, 2006 · 5 comments

tonight is the first night in over a month that i have crumpled under the weight of all this circling sadness; the whispery papery note of depression slipping up over my head and down my arms and belly and hips like an old, soft dress. how we are when we are small, our legs folded under us. crying open mouthed into palms.

i have been thinking about a boy i knew in high school.

most evenings lately find me curled up inside a nest of pillows, television muted, reading with no sound but the crickets and a fan in the window. pausing often to shift, stretch my arms. breathe. the nights here have been colder, i sit on the floor and watch movies, curl around candles for warmth. it has been raining and i am having nightmares. my lungs often ache. i worry all the time that there is something wrong inside me.

i am kind of afraid of everything.

i wish i was a better daughter. sister. friend.
Mood: moth.

{ 5 Responses to i have been wanting to reach you. (i just don’t know how.); }

  • I don’t know that it’s possible for you to be a better anything than what you already are.

  • jkingfish says:

    So… a question.

    We hear so much of how you spend your nights…. the fabrics you surround yourself, the cocoon in which you reside….

    how do you spend your days? whiling the hours? watching the hands tick by? waiting for the night to come?

    it’s mostly rhetorical, but…….

    empathetic concern, this.

  • rivermilk says:

    i wish i was a better daughter. sister. friend.
    I’ve thought this many times about myself. Well, sans the sister part as I am an only child.

    Oh, ta. All this melancholy vapour; I have been wrestling with a peek-a-boo version of it lately. but… I cannot calculate exact reasons behind its presence. (other than: missing HIM, of course!)

    Autumn has a way of slowly, delicately unraveling us.
    & sometimes, I wish I could just slide certain parts of the Earth closer to me so that I might be among all these wounded souls that I care about. Worries would decline, lines in the face would soften, the breath that would rise from our lungs would no longer be so heavy.

  • marchinhare says:

    I think this means that I should probably invite you over to my new place. I mean, you’re perfectly capable of doing all you’ve mentioned above here in PA, though some of it may not feel quite as compelling.

    Now, I’ll probably have to look into arranging a nest of pillows, but that’s nothing a quick visit to Target cant fix…

    and you may have to excuse me for occasionally finding myself in awe of you and your…you-ness.

    But you can probably get used to that, right?


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