heart & veil;

December 1st, 2004 · 13 comments

on my way home tonight, thinking about how most of the significant boys in my life have in one way or another been estranged from their fathers, and how they each walk around still with my fingerprints burned into them (and wondering what either of these things mean). suddenly personal jesus is on the radio, & i am turning it up and up and up, only it is not depeche mode, it is marilyn manson, and i am saying to the car in front of me, i didn’t know that marilyn manson covered this song! and then i am stopping there at a red light, pulling up next to a car level with mine, with a boy inside looking over at me, and the way our cars are aligned allows me to see that his hand is on his own car stereo, & i can see that he is listening to the same station, and i am wondering if he is turning the volume up or down, hoping, kind of knowing, that he has turned it up. and then soundgarden comes on. old soundgarden, and old nine inch nails, and with all of this, and this song, this one depeche mode cover, i am immediately there again, there, with her and all of our mad drama, frenzied laughter, where we moved teetering & feverish through the strangest hours, when everything was so much more intense than it is now and the edges of things were less precise somehow and we were all of us far, far too hard on our own bodies.

it made the whole of me smile & ache all at the same time, the way it does, all the way down deep into the center of me where i carry these things like a wounded, hot moon.
i wanted to knock on my window, anything, to get his attention and gesture hysterically to him; i love this song.

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