(grief as a planet)

April 15th, 2002 · 5 comments

Stepping out of the shower, standing there with my head thrown back to feel the wet strands of my hair traveling down between my shoulder blades and along my tired spine to the small of my back. I am little and soft, my body pushed up to the mirror, and I stand this way and that way; trying not to feel like it is a waste, trying not to.. trying not to want… just trying not to want.

I get dressed and apply vanilla oil in hopes of making boys want to eat me. I’m tired of introspection, sitting in the half-dark and trying to decide whether I am too hot or too cold. Too pink. Too female. I am busy avoiding the clock, busy avoiding music and avoiding creating and avoiding the concerned, well-meaning questions people keep asking me like, “How are you doing? Are you okay?” because they make me feel desperate. I am achy-insides, too fragile, too volatile. What is life if you can’t be with the ones you love? What is it, exactly?

(All that love did no good. He’s so fine without me, and I don’t matter anymore.) -is what it feels like.

I said, “Grief is an interesting thing.”

I said, “I’ve been pushing it down, pushing it away from me, but it is a planet with its own gravity, no matter what.”

I said, “I’ve become so hyper-emotional over other, non-related things.”

I said, “I would find this more fascinating if I weren’t the one experiencing it.”

He said, “I’m sorry.”

(I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry whenallIwanttohearisIloveyouIloveyouandIdon’twantittobethiswayafterall)

I said, “Not half as sorry as I am.”

{ 5 Responses to (grief as a planet) }

Leave a Reply

What's this?

You are currently reading (grief as a planet) at UNDREAMING(.NET)


  • . Subscribe to Blog .

    Subscribe to posts via RSS, or enter your email address below to receive notifications of new posts by email.

  • . Instagram .

    • Two of the darlingest soaps from my latest witchbabysoap haulhellip
      11 months ago by undreaming Two of the darlingest soaps from my latest  @witchbabysoap  haul; The Empress (of course  #daughterofvenus ) and Ouija. Not shown: Dragon's Blood soap (the deepest shimmery jeweled red), Love soap ( #lovewitch ), Seance soap {for my }, and Wheel of Fortune body butter, the crown jewel of my collection thus far; ginger, lime, tea, and the gorgeous hues of yellow & blue; the sweetest Springtime magick. "Get Naked. Do Witchcraft."
    • i made a new friend today mysticalcat punkypins littleblackcatsociety
      11 months ago by undreaming (i made a new friend today.)  #mysticalcat   #punkypins   #littleblackcatsociety 
    • You are quarter ghost on your mothers side Your hearthellip
      10 months ago by undreaming "You are quarter ghost on your mother’s side. Your heart is a flayed peach in a bone box." { – Jamaal May, “How to Disappear Completely” }
    • the teeniest tiniest naughties  littlekinks miniatures sextoys dollhousesex
      4 months ago by undreaming {the teeniest, tiniest naughties.} ♡  #littlekinks   #miniatures   #sextoys   #dollhousesex 
    • 10 months ago by undreaming
    • The energy that flows from the heart IS immortal Ithellip
      6 months ago by undreaming 'The energy that flows from the heart IS immortal. It is light and sound and vibration. We must birth the selves we wish to be and the world in which we wish to live. This planet does not belong to us, but we are meant to be its stewards.' {Many Moons Vol 2, by Modern Women / Sarah Faith Gottesdiener} *  #moonmagick   #heartmagick   #earthmagick   #lovewitch   #modernwomen   #sarahfaithgottesdiener   #august   #themoon   #themoon   #themoon   #themoon 
    • Readying the hostas for Spring and finding that one ishellip
      11 months ago by undreaming Readying the hostas for Spring and finding that one is softly carpeted, and jeweled with a tiny abandoned home. {The other - poor confused darling - has already begun to come up, and I worry for her in the cold . . . } This will be the last Spring I tend these forgiving bebes, the only plants that have grown wild for me and blossomed every year in my awkward, uncertain care. I have had to let go of too many things I love this year, leaving pieces of home&heart everywhere, everywhere. Every woman in me is half sick…
    • OsTAra evendarklingswearflowers
      11 months ago by undreaming OsTAra  #evendarklingswearflowers 
    • Polite quiet gentleman never complains when I throw my ladythingshellip
      1 week ago by undreaming Polite, quiet gentleman, never complains when I throw my ladythings on him.  #boudoir   #skull   #macabre   #lingerie   #xoxo 
    • the trees are tender with Spring and I am tenderhellip
      10 months ago by undreaming (the trees are tender with Spring, and I am tender with Spring.)
    • Cleansing  charging by the full milk moon
      9 months ago by undreaming Cleansing & charging by the full milk moon.
  • . Twitter .

    • RT @tristanreveur: Beauty tips: Embrace darkness, never love anything, moisturize, drink lots of water. 2 days ago retweeted via tristanreveur
    • (i really don't care anymore if you think i'm sexy. what i want to know is, can you be a Home for me.) 2 days ago
    • RT @spookperson: me and some of the other witches are going to go do sexy things on cotton mather's grave until his shitty old ghost comes… 4 days ago retweeted via spookperson